Week 2 Post-Trial

[strictura]

[ The trial itself may have been pretty straightforward, but with how high emotional tensions were running afterward, there's probably no one feeling like organizing any kind of gathering right now.

So, go do your thing until a new week starts, and write down those memories you don't want to forget. ]

Comments

last chance to turn back before cw child abuse incl self victim blame, ai spoilers

[ballooncaged]

That... Sure.

[She puts down the hairbrush and shuffles over into the seating area, where her voice already won't carry out the door.]

I didn't want to back down if the group needed me, but I guess you know by now why I'm not very qualified to be a leader, so we should talk about it. I'm abnormal.

[strictura]

[ He'll quietly close it, then, and come over to take a seat nearby.

What she ends up starting with definitely isn't what he'd planned for, but it's fine. ]

You could say the same of me and all of my friends back home, but why is that the case for you?

[ballooncaged]

Is that why... You guys avoid adults?

[Glancing at him thoughtfully. It's rhetorical, as she accepts his offer. Folds her hands in her lap.]

I haven't been telling people a lot about my home life. I don't want them to look at me differently but... I get the feeling you mean it when you care about all children, so I'm going to say it.

I'm... I'm not a good girl. I would always ask to play and hug instead of pick up after myself, so Mom would have to explain, and then I'd cry, and then she was forced to hit me. When I was eight, Daddy just had me start living with his friend Date instead, and Mom got divorced and... [Her eyes wander, how to put this.] And sometimes I would still visit Daddy, at least. And... I... [She's been (alarmingly) matter of fact up till now but is on the verge of tears.] I know I'm saying weird things, but it always felt like it was my fault. I can't change the past, no matter how much I want to... A few days before all this, Mom and Daddy were murdered!!

[So many things she's had to hide from everyone!!]

[strictura]

[ He's frowning throughout this; it's not quite the same as any of their situations, but it's familiar enough that it still hits home and hurts.

He almost looks relieved when she gets to that last part, but... that also means he might need to dial back his scorn for her parents right now, even if it sounds like they got what they deserved. ]

Okiura-san... That's completely normal child behavior you're describing, not misbehavior. Nearly all children want to play and receive affection from their parents. Of course it's important to learn to delay gratification sometimes, but there's no justification for hitting you over something like that, and she absolutely wasn't forced to do it.

[ He knows that in a way, that makes it worse -- that the people who brought you into this world are choosing to treat you this way. But at least when you frame it like that, it's a little easier to try to shift the blame from yourself to them. ]

I understand feeling that way. I always thought that what my parents did to me was because I wasn't good enough, because I couldn't meet their expectations no matter how hard I tried. I thought it was my fault for not being born as someone better, and that I still owed them love and obedience even when I was never anything but an experiment to them.

But none of that is true. The problem isn't us.

[ballooncaged]

An experiment? [It could be taken literally, particularly after all the science fiction Mizuki has seen here and even back home, but ultimately that distinction is a rhetorical one. What matters is how much pain they've felt.] I guess we both know neither of us are stupid or lazy by now. I know that - hitting anyone, hurting anyone so much - is definitely wrong, especially some little kid. But that's just how it had to be, for so long, and they say "it's your fault" or "you're making me look like the bad guy". It, it makes sense, it won't you apologize even though whatever you say sounds annoying too, and you can't remember eer being happy anymore. How can what they expect and you expect be different? And having nothing is... even scarier than that. Being alone, and afraid, and the way everyone else treats you... Without Date, I don't know if—

[But she doesn't have him here. And Nagisa might not even have someone like that at all.]

Thank you for... being someone I can trust. I have my friend without a dad, but you're the first person I actually know who— [Her hand cups the air as she tries to grasp the idea.] Is not the problem. [She's forcing herself through this for the first time, almost only believing it in the sense that to disagree would be to invalidate Nagisa.]

[strictura]

It's hard to break out of that mindset when it's what they made you believe your whole life. For us, everything felt completely hopeless for a long time, until we came to understand that we didn't have to give our parents the unconditional love and respect they never gave to us just because society said we owed it to them.

[ Social rules were all instituted by adults, after all, so of course they'd be tailored to their benefit. (He doesn't really trust whoever Date is not to take advantage of them too, but thinking about that now wouldn't be productive.)

He nods in response to her thanks. ]

We're on the same side, so I'll be here to listen and to back you up when you need it.

[ Looking back toward the door, he sighs. ]

That von Karma really is insufferable, but she's not worth upsetting yourself over, either. She's clearly more interested in perpetuating her sham of a justice system than actually helping anyone, so she's never going to understand kids like us.

[ The fact that she'd hit someone younger than her who hadn't even threatened her just solidifies what side she's on, even if she's still young herself. ]

[ballooncaged]

[Wow, so all the friends went through similar things... That's terrible, yet amazing that they could come together. And Mizuki has not always trusted Date either so that's fair. On the topic of social approval in both cases, really:]

I know that as long as I have support, it shouldn't matter if someone like her likes me. Trying to represent the group intensifies things, but since her way is self-evidently wrong, everyone can just... God, if we hadn't already been breaking things up when—she hit you! [MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ON SIGHT. Her fingers dig into the chair.] I feel like I have to choose between trying to make her happy and showing her who's boss. Those choices sound stupid now, but that's how it was feeling. [She looks to Nagisa again as if he might magically understand this emotional insecurity that has plagued her ever since being separated from her mother.]

[strictura]

I understand the impulse. We're conditioned to try to placate those who express displeasure in us... and that makes it incredibly frustrating to see someone like that who clearly doesn't share that obligation and has apparently managed to find approval in spite of her selfish behavior and harmful ideas.

[ While he's tried to base all his arguments strictly on reason, it's not like he doesn't share that frustration.

They may not be on exactly the same page, but he thinks it's at least the same volume. ]

Many here like you, though, and you're still a leader that people feel comfortable gathering around, so you have an important contribution to make. Don't risk that by allowing her to have the outsized influence she believes she's entitled to.

[ballooncaged]

They are being helped... So I can't stop. Even though I'm still angry at Cori, at least she didn't seem like she did what she did because she hated any of us.

[That's been ALSO haunting her, and making her want to throw in the towel, but she can hope the sector didn't actively make things worse.]

It's been easier here because I can hide all the things that are weird about me. And it would be even worse if people were worrying about me... That is guaranteed if everything exploded at once, though, you know? [In other words it's good she can talk this through with Nagisa who respects her as an equal, because she does acknowledge she has Some needs.] I still need to think more about what we need to do, but for now I can be sure that we want to do the right thing, all together. And Franziska von Karma definitely doesn't have a monopoly on any of that.

[strictura]

Right. You don't need to keep everything bottled up, but there's no reason to feel obligated to share it all with everyone else either. Some things are just easier to keep to yourself if they have no real bearing on the current situation.

[ That's definitely been his approach so far, anyway. ]

For now, I think gathering as much information as we can is still the most important thing. Our problem is that we don't understand enough about either the situation or the setting to be able to determine what courses of action would be best.